A couple weeks ago I had a critically ill patient who was battling heart failure, kidney failure, and liver failure. The first day I had him as a patient, we were continually dialyzing his blood in hopes that his kidneys would pick back up and give him a better chance of survival. I had him as a patient again two days later and there was no progress. This back and forth between aggressive treatments had been going on for nearly two weeks and at this point we had exhausted everything that we could do. The only thing that was keeping him alive was the continuous dialysis (it essentially does the work of the kidneys and filters out the blood), if we were to withdraw it he’d pass with in the next few days.
Throughout the course of taking care of him, he was completely awake and oriented, and kept asking to go home. He didn’t want to be in the hospital anymore, he was simply tired. In order to accommodate his wishes we had an end of life meeting with him, his family and the staff taking care of him. The resident was explaining the situation of his disease processes to everyone. While I stood quietly behind her I watched the patient’s niece break down, slowly and quietly, all the while attempting to hide her face. Thinking about my patient dying after taking care of him for just two days really started breaking me down. I felt her pain, I burned up inside. It was the same thing, her pain- my pain. Somehow, I managed to make it out of the room with semi-dry eyes.
As I drove home I thought about what had just happened. I said goodbye to him knowing that I wouldn’t see him again. It wasn’t an “Alright buddy I’ll see you next time”. It was a “I’ll never see you again, enjoy your last few days”. It broke my heart. Even further, it reminded me of what I had been through in a different light.
What really struck me was how I felt her pain. How I remember feeling that same pain when I was dealing with it with my own family members. How did I feel what she felt? Why did she feel what I felt? How did we both feel that?
This thought boiled in my head for while until I realized that regardless of class, color, creed or any other “difference” we all are the same underneath it all. The image that came to mind was a cat-5 cable with it’s encasing filled with numerous copper wires inside. So the question comes up… where is this “wire” going? The same place you’re going, so next time you judge someone, look within.
We’re all the same; we just choose to not accept it.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
It's life
Yesterday a family friend's father passed away which had me thinking about my father and death in general all day today.
As I drove home from school today I visualized my self giving my condolences to a person who has lost a loved one. I then visualized that person responding "It's life, man.".
I sat on that for a good moment. It's life. How interesting. In my head, this imaginary person had no idea of that gravity of what he just said... just as everyone else who say's this phrase does. Amazing isn't it? That we unknowingly refer to death as life.
Later, when i was at the masjid prior to the funeral all those old feelings of when my dad passed came right back. It was unbelievably erie, the faces, the smells, the scenario, even the season... in just 5 days it will be 6 years for my father's passing.
We made our way to the graveyard after saying prayers at the masjid. The deep sadness throughout the faces had me shook. Then I thought about a line from a song... "They say new life makes loosing life easier to understand." Just as that played in my head a gentleman walked passed me with his baby daughter.
It was an interesting day to say the least, I'll leave you with a poem talking about what else, but death.
As I drove home from school today I visualized my self giving my condolences to a person who has lost a loved one. I then visualized that person responding "It's life, man.".
I sat on that for a good moment. It's life. How interesting. In my head, this imaginary person had no idea of that gravity of what he just said... just as everyone else who say's this phrase does. Amazing isn't it? That we unknowingly refer to death as life.
Later, when i was at the masjid prior to the funeral all those old feelings of when my dad passed came right back. It was unbelievably erie, the faces, the smells, the scenario, even the season... in just 5 days it will be 6 years for my father's passing.
We made our way to the graveyard after saying prayers at the masjid. The deep sadness throughout the faces had me shook. Then I thought about a line from a song... "They say new life makes loosing life easier to understand." Just as that played in my head a gentleman walked passed me with his baby daughter.
It was an interesting day to say the least, I'll leave you with a poem talking about what else, but death.
DIE BEFORE YOU DIE
Ironic, but one of the most intimate acts
of our body is
death.
So beautiful appeared my death – knowing who then I would kiss,
I died a thousand times before I died.
“Die before you die,” said the Prophet
Muhammad.
Have wings that feared ever
touched the Sun?
I was born when all I once
feared – I could
love.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Not so fast, suckah'.
You ever find yourself in a similar situation over and over and over again? Ever wonder why?
(I have no clue why I decided to start off this blog entry like an infomercial, hopefully you found it as comical as I did)
WELL SO HAVE I! As those of you who are close(r) to me know, I had several family members pass away with in a short period of time at one point in my life. At the time I dreaded my life, existence, everything because I wasn’t able to understand it.
With time, as I grew to accept the transitions(not deaths) of my family members I become very comfortable with the idea of “death” as we call it. It didn’t bother me.
But I was still missing something… why did 5 people from my family pass away in one year when I never encountered death before?
After much time had passed for me to self reflect along with the wisdom of a friend I had realized a few things that helped me understand the situation better. When a identical situation is presented to us over and over again we are not learning the lesson(s) that is/are to be learned.
When this string of tests occurred in my life I was a complete people pleaser, drawn to people simply to win their approval. My only thoughts were of this world, although I wouldn’t call my self a “bad” kid by any means – I simply didn’t have my eyes set on growth. Everything was in tune with my ego.
Hindsight is always 20/20 and my case was no exception. I realized that I needed to learn detachment from people. I never thought that loosing one’s father could have been a positive impact on anyone’s life (assuming the father was a positive role model), yet God showed me in a very personal matter that everything is perfect.
I now work in a ER where at any moment someone may be wheeled in dying and I am forced to give all that I can give and be able to detach my self. In fact just the other day there was a patient who I was talking to and just a couple minutes after adjusting him in bed, he had a seizure (with a developing bowel obstruction) and vomited all his gastric contents. Subsequently, all of the contents went into his lungs and was the cause of his passing.
Being able to detach doesn’t mean I’m a cold person; it’s quite the opposite. It is the ability to detach oneself from the ego. It’s rather hard to accomplish when you’re in the midst of someone’s passing, but Alhumdillah, God makes no mistakes.
With that said, I’ve started to see similarities to the year with all of those “calamities” and that made me think. Didn’t I already learn the lesson I needed to? Apparently not…
How humbling is it to think you’ve passed the class with an A + only to have to take it again?
Self reflect, figure out you’re perceived strengths and realize that it will be slipped out from under you in a instant so be grateful for all that you have. After all, it was just a quick few moments that has a death toll of over 100 thousand people in Haiti… what’s to say that it won’t happen to you?
Subahn'Allah.
Appreciate what you have but realize that you don’t really have it at all
(I have no clue why I decided to start off this blog entry like an infomercial, hopefully you found it as comical as I did)
WELL SO HAVE I! As those of you who are close(r) to me know, I had several family members pass away with in a short period of time at one point in my life. At the time I dreaded my life, existence, everything because I wasn’t able to understand it.
With time, as I grew to accept the transitions(not deaths) of my family members I become very comfortable with the idea of “death” as we call it. It didn’t bother me.
But I was still missing something… why did 5 people from my family pass away in one year when I never encountered death before?
After much time had passed for me to self reflect along with the wisdom of a friend I had realized a few things that helped me understand the situation better. When a identical situation is presented to us over and over again we are not learning the lesson(s) that is/are to be learned.
When this string of tests occurred in my life I was a complete people pleaser, drawn to people simply to win their approval. My only thoughts were of this world, although I wouldn’t call my self a “bad” kid by any means – I simply didn’t have my eyes set on growth. Everything was in tune with my ego.
Hindsight is always 20/20 and my case was no exception. I realized that I needed to learn detachment from people. I never thought that loosing one’s father could have been a positive impact on anyone’s life (assuming the father was a positive role model), yet God showed me in a very personal matter that everything is perfect.
I now work in a ER where at any moment someone may be wheeled in dying and I am forced to give all that I can give and be able to detach my self. In fact just the other day there was a patient who I was talking to and just a couple minutes after adjusting him in bed, he had a seizure (with a developing bowel obstruction) and vomited all his gastric contents. Subsequently, all of the contents went into his lungs and was the cause of his passing.
Being able to detach doesn’t mean I’m a cold person; it’s quite the opposite. It is the ability to detach oneself from the ego. It’s rather hard to accomplish when you’re in the midst of someone’s passing, but Alhumdillah, God makes no mistakes.
With that said, I’ve started to see similarities to the year with all of those “calamities” and that made me think. Didn’t I already learn the lesson I needed to? Apparently not…
How humbling is it to think you’ve passed the class with an A + only to have to take it again?
Self reflect, figure out you’re perceived strengths and realize that it will be slipped out from under you in a instant so be grateful for all that you have. After all, it was just a quick few moments that has a death toll of over 100 thousand people in Haiti… what’s to say that it won’t happen to you?
Reflect on what has passed of this world. Has any of it remained for anyone? Has anyone remained in it, be he noble or lowly, rich or poor, friend or enemy? Similarly, what remains of it that does not resemble the past more than water resembles water? The Messenger of Allah said, 'Death is enough of a warning; the intellect is enough of a guide; precaution is enough of a provision; worship is enough of an occupation; Allah is sufficient as an intimate friend; the Qur'an is enough of a clarification.'
And elsewhere, 'Only affliction and trial remain of this world. If a person is saved, it is only by sincerely seeking refuge.' And Noah said, 'I found this world to be like a house with two doors. I entered through one of them and went out through the other.' Such is the state of the one who was saved by Allah: so what is the state of one who feels at ease in this world, relies on it, wastes his life by cultivating it, and is full of worldly demands?
-Imam Jafar Sadiq
Subahn'Allah.
Appreciate what you have but realize that you don’t really have it at all
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