Why don't you rebel?

Hello kids.

I’ve been thinking a lot about ways to grow further spiritually cause I felt like I hit a brick wall. On what felt like the 48 hour trip back we decided to peep the Lauryn Hill unplugged album, which is always a amazing album to listen to (if you’ve never listened to it… you need to). It seems as if though every time I listen to it I always have a new thought pop up in my large sized dome piece. In the midst of these deep songs I’ll often zone out in my own thought and during one of these moments I came back to reality to hear Lauryn repeat “why don’t you rebel?”

This sent me off into another thought which really got me going off on my mental tangent which fit right into another idea that had been stuck in my head for the past few days: In order to grow the most we must detach ourselves from worldly things. Definitely a “duh” kind of moment cause one can just say “Ramadan” and its all right there in front of you. But what this really means to me is being able to let go of the attachments to all material things even people (to an extent). Often times we base our happiness on a person or a situation when really we just need to look within to find our true happiness. You can say that’s cheesy but you know it’s the truth. God created us out of His love and so we have a part of Him within us. Therefore if we are able to focus on that inner self then we will have our own divine happiness.

Of course this is easier said than done but one of the ways of going about doing this is through removing our ego. Ramadan is a blessing in itself that we often take for granted… rather that we don’t take at all. Many of us are often thinking about how hungry we are as opposed to how much closer to God we are getting. By taking away material things from our daily lives we are shown that we really have our own “remedies within us… if only we reflect”.

Back to the main discussion: So when I listened to this song I heard rebel over and over again and then she asked are you satisfied? It really made me think about my present connection with God. At that moment I knew I needed to change something… after meditating about it, I realized that I’ve grown to comfortable in my day-to-day life. Knowing that it’s when our soul is in the hardest of situations is when we grow the most.

I really don’t want to post this blog cause I think it sucks. However I get a feeling that I should.

Why don’t you rebel?

Down to the board.

It’s 12 am, I’m on my way back from a terribly tiring day at work and I can’t stop thinking about how much my head hurts. As I drive home and I see a water tower and a smile suddenly comes to my face. I like water.
However, in this case, that’s not the reason why I smiled(if it was this would be a pretty amazing blog… but its not that amazing). I had a 59ish year old patient today who was having/had an heart attack and had to have been one of the funniest patient’s I’ve had in a while. He was what you would imagine of an “angry old man”… cursing just enough to have you on edge and not being able to hear you to not. When I first met him I walked into his room and he’s on the phone with his friend and I tell him I’m about to set up an IV for the meds the nurse needs to administer and so on the phone he goes “ahhh shit I think I’m having a heart attack or something… I’ll talk to you later”. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a patient phrase it quiet like that. I was having a bit of a time holding my laughter. As I started talking my nonsense he told me “I’m not trying to go down to the morb”. I thought about it for a second and then I started laughing and began busting his chops. At that time I thought it was his stuffy nose that caused him to talk like that. Then later he started laughing because he thought that I thought that he said “down to the board”. (incase you haven’t figured it out we’re talking about the morg). Anyway we continued to trash talk one another throughout the day and then we started talking about where we grew up… turned out that he lived right by the water tower which was a mile away from my old house.
So as I approached this water tower I couldn’t help but to think of the old man who even in the most critical of times in his life was able to make someone else laugh and not even be worried with his predicament. There is no real “punch line” to this story… it’s just amazing how in such a crappy mood the entire way home from work all I had to see was a water tower that immediately changed my mindset.

What a blessing this life is.

Singe your fingers...

What a cheesy title to a blog entry but who cares. In any case I’d been meaning to write a blog about one thing or another for the past 3ish weeks and didn’t end up happening until now. It’s interesting how even when I want to write a blog at times, I don’t end up doing it until its “meant to be” complete.

A couple weeks back when I had that patient with the hemorrhagic stroke (last blog entry) a friend and I were talking about the effect of traumatic and challenging events on people’s life… more specifically the metamorphosis that these events induce. Obviously in my case, the traumatic event was my father’s death. When I had my father in my life, I never really took to any of his lessons that he had taught me. It wasn’t until after his death that everything started to catch on. Prior to his passing I would know what was right and wrong but, would still do as I please… which usually ended up being wrong (not to say I was a devil child, I was just hormonal and slightly retarded). It wasn’t until my dad passed that all his lessons suddenly began stick.

After continuing to back and forth about the matter, I finally had a good metaphor come to me (shocking, as usually my metaphors suck). I've realized that in essence, everyone is a candle. And it is through these traumatic events that the candle is lit, and with that flame the individual is able to grow exponentially. Obviously there are those that do not deal with those events well at all and end up regressing. From my experience I have learned that these people generally based many of their actions on fear prior to having the event. Then once the event occurred and they were pushed further into a hole all they have left is fear… and we all know where there is fear, there is no faith...

And so I will leave you with a quote from Imam Ali (a.s.) regarding faith in God and ourselves.
Your remedy is within you, but you do not sense it.
Your sickness is from you, but you do not perceive it.
You presume you are a small entity,
But within you is enfolded the entire universe.
You are indeed the evident book,
By whose alphabet the hidden becomes the manifest.
Therefore, you have no needs beyond yourself,
What you seek is within you, if only you reflect.
- Ali Ibn' Abi Talib (A.S.)

Gravity.

Hello boys and girls. I hope you all are doing well and if you’re not - go see a doctor. Speaking of doctors I’ve been working about 36 hours a week (not sure if I included that in the last post but if so then you just read it again, punk) and I’ve been learning a lot as usual (most importantly not just about medicine/nursing, but spiritually). About a week or two ago I all of a sudden had reached a new level in setting up IV’s. I was just a straight beast and as much as I hate arrogance/cockiness ESPECIALLY from myself it had gotten to my head.

Now for the past week I have established one IV linev. That’s just a little something to learn from but there’s more. Earlier today we had a code come in and we were able to save her. This happened to be the first code in the ER that I was there to watch live. Indeed a very nice experience.

A couple hours after that we had a patient who exhibited signs of a stroke upon arrival to the ER. At the Bon, we don’t have the facilities to treat stroke victims. This patient was brought to us in error and really shouldn’t have been there – possible stroke victims are taken to UM. In any case the patient was decently responsive when he first came and throughout the course of the next few hours I watched him slowly decline. For those of you all interested – it was a hemorrhagic stroke in his brain stem. We were trying to get him transferred as throughout the entire time. Long story much shorter, there was a lot of red tape to cross and it really slowed down the entire process which shouldn’t have even had to take place because the EMS should have taken the patient to UM. I think the experience I had today with this case was one of the saddest cases I watched unfold before my eyes. I eventually had to remove my self from the situation because I was so upset. This normally never happens because I’m able to control my self but watching the patient’s health decline right before me was maddening… even more so was knowing that I couldn’t do anything about it. As change of shift came around there were no developments – I will just have to wait till I work next to figure out what happened.
On my way back home I was still very upset and it looked like there was a huge storm coming. I don’t recall seeing such dark skies in a very long time. As I continued to think of what had just happened I saw the sun break right through the clouds in magnificent showing. It really made me think of the entire situation from a different, worldlier perspective. Something in my heart told me that there Gravity effects everyone.

So simple, yet so profound. Often times the lesson is put right in front of us and we choose to ignore it and so it’s spat right back in our face until we truly learn from it.

Pop pop's day.

So it’s 2 am the day after Father’s day and I’m sitting at my kitchen table in my PJ’s with milk, cookies, and my laptop. Since my last blog 6 years ago, I’ve started picking up about 3 shifts a week at work, (12 hours each) today was one of my workdays. Work has been going very well, learning something new everyday (as usual) and it doesn’t hurt that making people laugh and healing never gets old.

Throughout the day people were asking me if I was a father… apparently I look 34. Anyway, the ER was rather slow and the weather was exceptional so I decided to go eat lunch in the courtyard with 75-degree weather and a nice calm breeze (the courtyard is a completely enclosed area with several benches and a nice little grass area that only employees have access to). After eating my lunch I started thinking more about my father and his impact on my life. I realized that I probably wouldn’t have cared anywhere as much for people in general like I do now had it not been for him. This means that I probably wouldn’t have gone into health care. And for those of you mistakenly call me your friends, probably wouldn’t.

After realizing how much I had gained and continue to gain from having had my father for a [huge] part of my life, I realized the sad fate that so many children share- not having their fathers in their lives. This is a sad reality and really makes me wonder how these children miss out on so much. However, inevitably they have or will become stronger from it.

Appreciating my father(and all those around the world that choose to be a part of their children’s lives) today has helped me realize that we should all try to help out those without a father figure in their lives so that they may grow up to become the father that they never had.

Shook.

A couple weeks ago I was talking to a good friend of mine and we exchanged our usual hellos and then she told me something, which stopped me dead in my tracks. Telling me that a 7-year-old niece of hers has cancer in her brain stem… the doctors explained that she has 6 months left to live.

How do you deal with that? I just thought of Sumaa who is now 8 and I still look at her like my little baby. I would have thought that I wouldn’t have much of a problem dealing with death since I’ve dealt with it so often over the past couple years. I thought about how I got over those deaths, but that doesn’t even apply here… this child is more alive than anyone.
Are you supposed to treat her any differently? How?

I have seen several people code (and die) in the ER, it puts some wear and tear on me even though I don’t know them but generally speaking I’ve found a way to cope. It was completely different when my father or grandfather passed because I knew them. I never even met this girl (or I don’t remember meeting her) and I started to crack.

There is no one answer as to how to deal with this situation but as weird as it sounds, I’ve been watching my own behavior. I’ve noticed that I mentally put my self in many sad or depressing situations and then find then beauty in it. I did just that in this situation. The thing is I don’t do it consciously, I’ve just work this way with out even thinking. The beauty of this incredibly sad situation is that this girl at this very moment is the definition of life. One of the most important keys to life is to live it, not to have lived it or hope to live it, but to live it at this very moment. I keep thinking about this verse from one of my favorite poems…

In a child's first year it’s in search of its 5th year,
In its child's 10th' year its in search of its 16th year,
In its 5th its year its in search of its 25th year,
And when its dead, its in search of its life.
So why should it not be in search of now?
You don't even have to search for now,
Now is here.
Has now used and abused you?
Maybe Now loves you and doesn't want to lose you.
What if something accused you of not being good enough when it just met you?
You hardly know now,
The same way you desire then, now;
You will desire now, then.
So it seems you are searching for what is present.
-Amir Sulaiman

Just last night I was at Wall-Mart where I saw a guy who had the same disease process as my father. I actually had met him at Pizza Roma’s and my brothers and I talked to him there. I was so shook when I saw him because he was a spitting image of my father. It had been about 4 months since I had seen him and this time it shook me just as bad. For the entire 5 minutes that I was talking to him my eyes were ready to burst. It’s so weird because his mannerisms and the way he talked were so similar to my father (or maybe I was just deliriously imagining things). In any case, I was thinking to my self about this mans life. He is 49 (or 43 I’m not sure) years old and with that disease process the person is basically sitting on a ticking time-bomb, waiting for their aorta to have a full-blown aneurysm. I’m sure he was aware for it but he was so soft spoken and relaxed in his speech. It made me think more and more about his life and obviously my fathers with it. What if I were in that situation? Would I be able to handle that process in the same elegant manner that he has? The more I thought about it the more I came to the conclusion that even if he was not as relaxed an individual before he must have become so very quickly after realizing the gravity of the situation.

Knowing that you’re liable to die at any moment (as we all are, however in this case it has a very high morbidity rate especially at his age) is one of the most humbling experiences. It felt very weird saying that but it’s true. He is able to grow so much on a spiritual level on a constant basis because of the fact that he has to deal with this burden on daily basis.

The main point is, even though it hurts like hell to have to deal with such burdens in our life, they are truly blessings. Its because of those burdens, obstacles and hardships that allow us to live and grow as people.

Adam lives in theory

They reminisce over you.
At my clinical the other day I had a patient who had an array of psychosocial issues; stemming from drug abuse and her need to get clean. She had a history of several different drugs, as did her husband. The couple then enlisted in a methadone program to help get clean; unfortunately her husband was not able to give up his addiction to alcohol while on the methadone program. With methadone on board, alcohol will kill a person. Her whole situation was an impetus for me to reflect for a moment about my own life.

How come I didn’t get into drugs or alcohol? I thought about how vital the role of my family was in my development. I am blessed to have been presented the opportunities that I have had. I can take this experience back to the Bon, so many patients that I’ve worked with have a history of drug and alcohol abuse, venereal diseases, etc. Many of these people who do or did drugs were hooked by their own family members. I remember one patient telling me that he starting using crack at 11 because his uncle stuck him. Last I saw him he was 33 with Hep. C and I think HIV but I’m not sure about the latter. By the same hand there are those people who want to get out and ‘try something’ and this is where our free will comes in. I can not say that the only reason I never did drugs was because of one specific factor but it all by the grace of God that I stayed clean.

While were on the topic of reflecting on our blessings lets focus on our current behaviors as well and how we can grow through reflection. If we do not reflect on our own behavior we will never try to correct our wrong doings (don’t try to say your perfect, cause I’ll kick you in the face, with love ☺). How are we going to know how our behavior affects others unless we reflect?

“Reflect on what has passed of this world. Has any of it remained for anyone? Has anyone remained in it, be he noble or lowly, rich or poor, friend or enemy? Similarly, what remains of it that does not resemble the past less than water resembles water. The Messenger of Allah said, 'Death is enough of a warning; the intellect is enough of a guide; precaution is enough of a provision; worship is enough of an occupation; Allah is sufficient as an intimate friend; the Qur'an is enough of a clarification.' And elsewhere, 'Only affliction and trial remain of this world. If a person is saved, it is only by sincerely seeking refuge.' And Noah said, 'I found this world to be like a house with two doors. I entered through one of them and went out through the other.' Such is the state of the one who was saved by Allah: so what is the state of one who feels at ease in this world, relies on it, wastes his life by cultivating it, and is full of worldly demands?”
-Imam Jafar Sadiq

It is through being objective while scrutinizing our own behavior through which we can go on and adapt better behavior (unless of course your perfect). This also relates back to the ego post I had a little ways back. If are not completely objective in our reflection, then the benefits of reflection will be greatly decreased. Separate yourself from ‘you’ and you will be on your way. Realize that this body is not really you but just a shell.

Another point I want to bring up is regarding our current actions and their direct effect on the present situations that we may be in. How can your action facilitate growth, and/or benefit someone or yourself? Obviously we will never know how our actions will completely play out but to some extent we can use our intuition to see the benefit or disfavor of our actions. The most obvious example that we all see day in and day out is “Insert name here is such a adjective of choice.” Sure, this maybe completely true, but how is saying that going to help anyone? If anything it will only exacerbate the current situation. Figure out a way you can bring up this topic with that individual with whom you are having the problem with without being aggressive or rude. It is important to be HONEST and RESPECTFUL, simultaneously. If you are only honest, then you will come off as a prick. If you are only respectful, you will be a pushover.

So tonight, while you lay in bed before you sleep, reflect about all the things that you could have done better. Remember, this is not regret-this is reflection. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite songs from Lauryn Hill called Adam Lives in Theory. It talks about the whole of humanity without any exception…
Take care homies.