Fear Love and Faith

Warning: you might cry when watching this link but make sure you do watch it prior to reading this post.

Last Minutes with ODEN from phos pictures on Vimeo.

It’s unbelievable that our own fear can cause us to hurt those that we love the most. In this case Woody was too afraid to let go of his relationship with Oden(his dog) that he caused Oden to live in pain. The beautiful part about this was that regardless of the situation Oden was able to continue giving love regardless of the pain he was in. It was only when Woody was able to come to terms with his own fear and act out of unconditional love for Oden that he was able to let Oden move on.

Fear can easily take control of a situation when we don’t base our actions on love and faith. It’s difficult not basing our actions off fear because we our putting ourselves out there.

I know that at time’s in my life I was so afraid of being alone that I’d hang out with everyone and anyone regardless of their goals or morals. In the end I was the one who ended up suffering the consequences. Although I had my array of friends I had created a spiritual void –all from fear. Yet when I was alone I felt content- I felt inner peace because I didn’t need anyone with me. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) once said “… Allah is sufficient a friend…”

Just to clarify, I’m not saying that you should go live as a hermit. What I am saying is that if a moment that makes you uncomfortable presents itself, accept it. Live it out, put your self in a situation that you’ve never been before. I’m convinced this is the only way to live one’s life, unless you’d like to stay in a box all your life.

I'll leave you with this quote by Rumi:
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

Peaks and Troughs

We all have our peaks and our troughs... funny, it makes me think about antibiotic administration. When antibiotics are given, generally its every X hours in order to make sure that the therapeutic amount is continuously in a person's blood stream. If you have too much, it becomes toxic for your body and if you have to little, the infection remains unharmed.



This same sort of peak and troughs are evident in our own lives. We have our ups and then we have our downs. Similarly, nature goes through the seasons... winter comes and the leaves fall... as spring comes there is rebirth and growth is observed. However we often fail to realize that even in winter there is growth, it just isn't shown as it is during spring and summer.

I've learned quite a bit over this extended "trough". However, the funny thing about it all is that it comes back to the basics. Believing in your self and being able to realize that you are all that you need.

Interestingly enough, the impetus for this re-realization is the impetus for growth in my life over the past seven years- my father. Ironic how someone "dead" lives on. I find it so beautiful that those who are no longer with us in this world are in one way or another still with us.

I had a nice heart to heart with my aunt today talking about anything and everything. Some how or another the subject of God and spirituality came up. She talked about her deceased uncle who had a peculiar way about praying. She explained that whenever he'd go to pray he'd not stop at the customary vudu instead he'd go on to shower, wear his best clothes, and make sure he was looking spiffy prior to praying. She remembers him telling her "When you go to see your boss you make sure that your appearance is without blemish... why don't we do the same when we speak with our Lord?". Here's some food for thought: How do you dress when your pray? Is it in your pj's? How do you speak to God when you pray? Is it rushed? Does your voice have love and sincerity in it? Think about it.


There are people who worship Allah to gain His Favors; this is the worship of traders. There are some who worship Him to keep them-selves free from His Wrath; this is the worship of slaves. And a few obey Him out of their sense of gratitude and obligations; this is the worship of free and noble men.

-Imam Ali

A random thought.

I've been away from this for a while... let me change that with a quick thought provoking quote I found.

If everyone was blind, how many people would you impress?

It's not who they are... it's who you are.

A couple weeks ago I had a critically ill patient who was battling heart failure, kidney failure, and liver failure. The first day I had him as a patient, we were continually dialyzing his blood in hopes that his kidneys would pick back up and give him a better chance of survival. I had him as a patient again two days later and there was no progress. This back and forth between aggressive treatments had been going on for nearly two weeks and at this point we had exhausted everything that we could do. The only thing that was keeping him alive was the continuous dialysis (it essentially does the work of the kidneys and filters out the blood), if we were to withdraw it he’d pass with in the next few days.

Throughout the course of taking care of him, he was completely awake and oriented, and kept asking to go home. He didn’t want to be in the hospital anymore, he was simply tired. In order to accommodate his wishes we had an end of life meeting with him, his family and the staff taking care of him. The resident was explaining the situation of his disease processes to everyone. While I stood quietly behind her I watched the patient’s niece break down, slowly and quietly, all the while attempting to hide her face. Thinking about my patient dying after taking care of him for just two days really started breaking me down. I felt her pain, I burned up inside. It was the same thing, her pain- my pain. Somehow, I managed to make it out of the room with semi-dry eyes.

As I drove home I thought about what had just happened. I said goodbye to him knowing that I wouldn’t see him again. It wasn’t an “Alright buddy I’ll see you next time”. It was a “I’ll never see you again, enjoy your last few days”. It broke my heart. Even further, it reminded me of what I had been through in a different light.

What really struck me was how I felt her pain. How I remember feeling that same pain when I was dealing with it with my own family members. How did I feel what she felt? Why did she feel what I felt? How did we both feel that?

This thought boiled in my head for while until I realized that regardless of class, color, creed or any other “difference” we all are the same underneath it all. The image that came to mind was a cat-5 cable with it’s encasing filled with numerous copper wires inside. So the question comes up… where is this “wire” going? The same place you’re going, so next time you judge someone, look within.

We’re all the same; we just choose to not accept it.

It's life

Yesterday a family friend's father passed away which had me thinking about my father and death in general all day today.

As I drove home from school today I visualized my self giving my condolences to a person who has lost a loved one. I then visualized that person responding "It's life, man.".

I sat on that for a good moment. It's life. How interesting. In my head, this imaginary person had no idea of that gravity of what he just said... just as everyone else who say's this phrase does. Amazing isn't it? That we unknowingly refer to death as life.

Later, when i was at the masjid prior to the funeral all those old feelings of when my dad passed came right back. It was unbelievably erie, the faces, the smells, the scenario, even the season... in just 5 days it will be 6 years for my father's passing.

We made our way to the graveyard after saying prayers at the masjid. The deep sadness throughout the faces had me shook. Then I thought about a line from a song... "They say new life makes loosing life easier to understand." Just as that played in my head a gentleman walked passed me with his baby daughter.

It was an interesting day to say the least, I'll leave you with a poem talking about what else, but death.

DIE BEFORE YOU DIE

Ironic, but one of the most intimate acts
of our body is
death.

So beautiful appeared my death – knowing who then I would kiss,
I died a thousand times before I died.

“Die before you die,” said the Prophet
Muhammad.

Have wings that feared ever
touched the Sun?

I was born when all I once
feared – I could
love.

Not so fast, suckah'.

You ever find yourself in a similar situation over and over and over again? Ever wonder why?

(I have no clue why I decided to start off this blog entry like an infomercial, hopefully you found it as comical as I did)

WELL SO HAVE I! As those of you who are close(r) to me know, I had several family members pass away with in a short period of time at one point in my life. At the time I dreaded my life, existence, everything because I wasn’t able to understand it.

With time, as I grew to accept the transitions(not deaths) of my family members I become very comfortable with the idea of “death” as we call it. It didn’t bother me.

But I was still missing something… why did 5 people from my family pass away in one year when I never encountered death before?

After much time had passed for me to self reflect along with the wisdom of a friend I had realized a few things that helped me understand the situation better. When a identical situation is presented to us over and over again we are not learning the lesson(s) that is/are to be learned.

When this string of tests occurred in my life I was a complete people pleaser, drawn to people simply to win their approval. My only thoughts were of this world, although I wouldn’t call my self a “bad” kid by any means – I simply didn’t have my eyes set on growth. Everything was in tune with my ego.

Hindsight is always 20/20 and my case was no exception. I realized that I needed to learn detachment from people. I never thought that loosing one’s father could have been a positive impact on anyone’s life (assuming the father was a positive role model), yet God showed me in a very personal matter that everything is perfect.

I now work in a ER where at any moment someone may be wheeled in dying and I am forced to give all that I can give and be able to detach my self. In fact just the other day there was a patient who I was talking to and just a couple minutes after adjusting him in bed, he had a seizure (with a developing bowel obstruction) and vomited all his gastric contents. Subsequently, all of the contents went into his lungs and was the cause of his passing.

Being able to detach doesn’t mean I’m a cold person; it’s quite the opposite. It is the ability to detach oneself from the ego. It’s rather hard to accomplish when you’re in the midst of someone’s passing, but Alhumdillah, God makes no mistakes.
With that said, I’ve started to see similarities to the year with all of those “calamities” and that made me think. Didn’t I already learn the lesson I needed to? Apparently not…

How humbling is it to think you’ve passed the class with an A + only to have to take it again?

Self reflect, figure out you’re perceived strengths and realize that it will be slipped out from under you in a instant so be grateful for all that you have. After all, it was just a quick few moments that has a death toll of over 100 thousand people in Haiti… what’s to say that it won’t happen to you?

Reflect on what has passed of this world. Has any of it remained for anyone? Has anyone remained in it, be he noble or lowly, rich or poor, friend or enemy? Similarly, what remains of it that does not resemble the past more than water resembles water? The Messenger of Allah said, 'Death is enough of a warning; the intellect is enough of a guide; precaution is enough of a provision; worship is enough of an occupation; Allah is sufficient as an intimate friend; the Qur'an is enough of a clarification.'
And elsewhere, 'Only affliction and trial remain of this world. If a person is saved, it is only by sincerely seeking refuge.' And Noah said, 'I found this world to be like a house with two doors. I entered through one of them and went out through the other.' Such is the state of the one who was saved by Allah: so what is the state of one who feels at ease in this world, relies on it, wastes his life by cultivating it, and is full of worldly demands?
-Imam Jafar Sadiq

Subahn'Allah.

Appreciate what you have but realize that you don’t really have it at all

Why so serious?

The day I had this patient, I knew I needed to share this story. One thing or another just continued to come up and for some reason I end up sharing it now.. I had my first day of clinical on the psychiatric ward about 2 months ago. My patient was 25 years old and had lived in a crack house all of his life, both parents were dependent on alcohol and cocaine. I’m surprised it took for him to hit 14 before he began drug use, being in that environment throughout the course of his life. He started out with marijuana and quickly moved up the ladder. By 17 he started selling crack... “I made 700 dollars in about 10 hours...”... within a couple months he was expelled for selling in school. He continued his ways experimenting with drugs through the next 7 years, which leads us to where we are now.

His addiction had taken him to a point that he was no longer making money and was unable to help out by taking care of his son. His girlfriend wasn’t speaking to him and he felt he no longer had a reason to live.

I felt the root cause of his issues stemmed from a lack of love from his family and peers throughout his life. Moving forward with this intuition, I just sat down with him and let him tell me every thing he had to say and release everything off his chest. I then slowly started to work, attempting to make him realize his addiction on a deeper level.

I started out asking him if he believed in God, knowing he’d say yes,(he was wearing a cross) I then asked him if he truly believed that God created everything(also, a yes). Then I asked if God was perfect; yes again!
“So then, if God is perfect and he created you then somewhere inside of you is a divine inner-self right? If you do believe that you put a piece of yourself in everything you create.”
“I guess so.”, he replied.
“Well then, why don’t we derive our happiness from the divine instead of the material? When we look for happiness in material form, we end up chasing one source of happiness to the next... whether it be drugs or diamonds, we’re in a constant state of unrest looking for the next ‘high’.”

He sat back for a moment and realized something he never realized before. He then continued to ask me about my beliefs about God and so on the rest of the day. However the point of this post is not to talk about how I was able to make someone realize the need for self-reflection, but yet to be able to show love to everyone. How often is it that we think “That dumb___ does drugs, what an _______ idiot!”? We must be able to take a step back and realize three things.

1. How can we love God if we can’t love His creation?
2. Malcolm X once said “Don't be in a hurry to condemn because he doesn't do what you do or think as you think or as fast. There was a time when you didn't know what you know today.” We are all at different stages in our lives, we have gone through a variety of different experiences and so it is important to keep an open mind when dealing with people and their deepest of issues.
3. Lastly, in Sureh Fateha- we say “Maaliki Yawmid-diin” “[God] is the master of the day of judgement”... so who are we to judge?

As the day went on we had a group therapy session and my patient talked about how much he appreciated how the staff treated him. He explained how he never felt people cared for him the way that we were able to. My heart sank a bit and made me realize how blessed I was to have the childhood that I’ve had. No matter where you are in life, don’t forget how much a simple act of kindness can affect someone. It’s the easiest way to give that we often end up over looking. If anything just smile.